Almost
by DobbyRocksSocks
Summary: You can't go forwards without getting closure from the past. Rehashing the past hurts, but sometimes it's necessary. Steve misses what he and Tony almost had, but does Tony miss it too?


**Disclaimer - I own nothing you recognise.**

 **Challenges listed at the bottom.**

 **Word Count** \- 2656

* * *

 **Almost**

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Steve could practically feel the apathy emanating from Tony. It was strange. He'd seen Tony in many situations, had watched him deal with a myriad of emotions, and this one… this was the worst of all of them.

He almost wanted Tony to rage and scream and provoke a fight because at least that would be _something._

So much had happened since the first time they'd fought together, when the alien invasion first pulled together a team of misfits that should never have worked and yet _did._ They'd fought together, fought each other, laughed, cried, lost people, _found_ people.

They'd spent two years apart, only to join back up when the world needed them. Steve had never felt fear like it when he watched people disintegrate around him and didn't now if Tony was amongst the dust in the wind.

He'd never felt more relieved when he saw Tony stumble from the spaceship with a blue robot-woman-person-alien (Steve still didn't really understand who or what Nebula was). There had been blood and dust and grime coating him. His clothes had been ripped and his cheeks were marred with dried tears, but he was there and he was alive and it gave Steve _hope_ that they could still fix things.

And they had.

Steve still didn't fully understand the Quantum Realm, and the time loops and the complicated details of a plan that Tony ran with when Scott Lang had first brought it up as an idea.

Whatever it had been, Tony had pushed their way forward, and he'd fought with a ferocity Steve had never seen him fight with before. It wasn't until later when he'd found out exactly what had happened on Titan.

It brought new understanding to the rage in Tony's eyes when the man faced off against Thanos.

Afterwards, when order had been restored and Peter and Bucky and T'Challa and everyone else had been saved, Steve had sought Tony out. He'd found him alone in a small room in the Wakandan Palace, bloody and exhausted and crying.

Steve had tended Tony's wounds silently, his own already healing up as the serum kicked in against the small cuts and bruises that adorned his body.

It had been a bit of a surprise that Tony had even let him. Steve had half expected the man to walk away from them once the danger was past, but he didn't. He'd watched with tired eyes as Steve cleaned and bandaged him up.

" _You should probably see one of the medical staff when you get a minute," Steve had murmured quietly. "A few of those cuts looked like they might need stitches."_

 _Tony shook his head. "They'll be fine. Thanks. You didn't have too."_

" _I… Tony. I—"_

" _Can we not," Tony whispered. "Just. Can we not? I'm so tired, Steve. I'm tired of fighting, and I'm tired of pretending like I know what the hell the right thing is, and I'm tired of talking in circles around things that don't even matter anymore. So can we please just not do this."_

 _Steve wanted to argue, because he had a lot that he needed to say, not least an apology for not telling Tony the truth for so long, but the look in Tony's eyes took the fight right out of him._

" _Sure, Tony. I missed you."_

 _Tony's lips tilted slightly. "I missed you too, Steve."_

That had been months ago. Since then, the Avengers had been welcomed back to America with open arms. They'd moved back into the compound as though nothing had changed, only this time, Sam and Bucky had moved in too.

Tony was still around occasionally, but even when he was in the compound, it was like he wasn't there. Watching him was like watching a shell of the man that Tony had once been and Steve _hated it._

…

Shoes clicking on the floor made Steve look up from the paper he'd been reading at the kitchen table, and he frowned slightly when he saw Miss Potts entering the room, a small dosier held against her chest.

Nat greeted her with a smile and Bruce nodded his head to her, but Steve didn't really know how to act. The last time he'd see her, it hadn't been… pleasant. Tony might have decided that he didn't want to talk about Siberia or anything that preceded it, but Miss Potts certainly didn't share the sentiment and she'd been rather vocal about her thoughts on what had transpired.

Not that Steve blamed her.

"Our PR team think it would be a good idea for the Avengers to host the New Years Eve party this year," she said, putting the dossier on the table. "Since most of you live here full time, we thought it might be better to just hold it here. Thoughts?"

"That would be a security nightmare," Natasha murmured. "Can we not host at a hotel instead?"

Pepper pursed her lips slightly. "There aren't many hotels willing to host you, and in fairness, I don't particularly blame them. Destruction tends to follow the Avengers when you least expect it."

"What about the Tower?" Natasha suggested. "It's big enough, and while security would still be an issue, it's better set up for events."

"I don't want to put this on Tony's shoulders," Pepper replied stiffly. "He's dealing with enough at the moment, he doesn't need an added stress. I'll contact some of our own hotels and see if they can be used for it, since the compound isn't a viable option."

"With enough forethought, we could host here," Steve said, looking at Natasha. "Tony put the lockdown throughout the place, didn't he? We can lockdown all the sections not needed for the party, and have additional security placed on all doorways as well. Fury can probably send us a few agents too."

Nat wrinkled her nose but looked at Pepper for a long moment before she nodded. "Okay. If we can handle our own security, then I'm sure we can host here."

Pepper nodded and surprisingly offered Steve a grateful smile. "Thank you. Usually SI would host in a ballroom and it would be fine, but with recent events… the PR people that Tony assigned for the team believe that you all need good press at the moment. No matter than you've had official pardons, it's the people that you need to convince now."

Steve nodded. A few years ago, he'd have thought that people should simply know that the Avengers were there to protect them and he'd have dismissed Miss Pott's words. Now, he knew better.

He'd actually listened the second time around when Nat explained how thing had changed in the world, and he'd taken it in and done his own research. He often wondered how much would have been different if he'd only made more of an effort to do that before.

"Right then, now that's handled, I'll be off. I'll leave the planning to you, but if you need any help with catering staff or for decorations or anything, just give me a call. I can forward you the numbers for the people we use for SI functions."

"Forward them anyway, please," Nat requested. "It'll save us having to bug you for them unnecessarily."

Miss Potts nodded and with a tight smile, she left the kitchen. Steve listened to her heels on the floor until she was out of his hearing range.

"So," he said to Natasha. "What happens at a New Year's Eve party?"

Oddly, Natasha just laughed.

…

Steve was a little bit surprised when Tony turned up at the party. He saw him in the crowd, his media smile firmly in place as he moved from group to group, charming them all with ease.

It was what Tony did, and yet it still amazed Steve everytime he saw it.

He looked handsome, as he always did, and yet, there was still something… something wrong. Something off.

Beneath the fakery, the media smile and the Stark Charm, Tony still looked… bereft.

Bucky stood beside Steve, a drink in hand as he surveyed the crowd. Steve knew he was slightly tense, having not been around this many people in a social setting for over seventy years, but he thought his friend was handling it well.

He'd ribbed him when he'd first arrived. Natasha had clearly dressed him, considering the smart suit, but it was the tie Steve had teased him about. It was an odd tea green colour, but more importantly, it matched Sam's tie perfectly.

Steve still didn't understand how they'd gone from sniping at each other to snogging in abandoned corridors, but he supported his friends regardless.

"At least I got the courage to snag _my_ man," Bucky had replied, raising a single, unimpressed eyebrow at Steve.

Steve had just rolled his eyes. It wasn't about courage. Well. Okay, it might be a little bit about courage, but it was also about history. It was about too much water under the bridge and it was about not pushing his luck.

He was lucky to even be able to call Tony his… teammate? Friend? Let alone anything else.

As the clock ticked ever closer to midnight, Steve started edging from the room. Natasha had explained all about midnight, and honestly, the thought of kissing a stranger just because of a clock strike really didn't sit well with him.

It didn't help that he'd seen some of the socialites at the party eyeing him up like he was a piece of meat.

With about twenty minutes to go, Steve slipped out onto the balcony, gasping slightly as the wintry air hit his lungs. He hadn't expected it to be so cold. He also hadn't expected the balcony to be occupied.

"Oh. I, uh, sorry," he murmured, when he saw Tony watching him from where he was leaning on the bars surrounding it.

"It's fine," Tony replied. "I can't say I blame you, wanting to hide from the barbarians inside. Some of those women are worse than piranhas."

Steve snorted and walked forwards to join Tony against the bars. The lights on the grounds were glowing a soft orange, and it gave the night a slightly ethereal feel.

"How are you doing?" Steve asked softly, after a moment of silence passed.

"I'm fine, Steve," Tony muttered. "I'm always fine."

"Except when you're not?"

Tony chuckled unexpectedly. "I guess so. Except when I'm not."

Steve nodded. The thing was, he understood what Tony meant. Sometimes, there was no choice but to be fine, even when everything was going badly. And sometimes, there was no choice but to be fine because nobody was there to pick up the pieces of you not being fine.

"How's Peter?"

A real smile appeared on Tony's face for a brief moment, and Steve fell just a little bit more in love in that instant.

"He's good. I'm still trying to keep him from taking on… too much, you know? The thing with Thanos… he's too young for shit like that. I need to protect him from… that. He's so pure and so innocent and I just. The world is cruel, but he doesn't need to know that yet. Not anymore than he already does at any rate."

Steve listened to the spark of passion in Tony's voice and it gave him hope. Hope for a future of a Tony with life back in his brown eyes and a real smile on his face. Steve regretted every moment he'd ever wished Tony had a little less passion about things, because his passion was glorious, even as tempered as it was at the moment.

"I… can we talk?" Steve asked, because as much as he didn't want to ruin the moment, he had to get the words that had been building for _years_ off his chest. "Please?"

"New year, new start, no?" Tony replied, arching an eyebrow. "Can't we just leave it all where it belongs?"

"To have a new start, you need closure on the past," Steve replied.

Tony sighed. "Okay. Okay, say whatever you need to say, Steve. I don't… I don't really want to hash this out, but… if you need to… then go ahead."

Steve bit his lip for a second. "I… I'm sorry. For everything that happened but more so because of what didn't. I'm sorry I didn't tell you what I knew, and I'm sorry I didn't come to you for help when I needed it because I know you would have dropped everything. I know it now, I knew it then, but I just… I didn't want to drag you into something only to have you get hurt.

"And I know, I know you don't need my protection, Tony, you never have. I know that. I just… the thought of you being hurt because of something I did or something I asked you to do it abhorrent.

"Then I hurt you with my own two hands anyway, didn't I?"

Steve shook his head. He opened his mouth to carry on but Tony interrupted him.

"You weren't the only one participating in that fight, Steve. I made the first move, I hit first, I let my anger get the better of me. That was on _me._ I might not like what happened, but don't take more blame than you need to."

"You didn't leave me alone in a freezing bunker though, did you?" Steve replied bitterly.

"Steve—"

"I know we said that we both made mistakes, and you're right, we did. But I started all of that, Tony, by not telling you the truth. Nothing can change that, and I'll never be able to make up for it, but… I don't want to lose you.

"When we were in Wakanda, do you know how many times I almost called you? At least once a day, I pulled that phone out and stared at your number. I wondered if you'd even answer, or if you'd tossed the phone the moment you got it."

Tony shifted slightly, and seconds later, pulled the battered phone from his pocket. Steve's eyes widened.

"It got a bit beat up in the fight with Thanos but… I always had it with me, Steve. And I would have answered it, had it rung."

"Whoever said it's impossible to miss what you never had, never had you," Steve whispered, shaking his head. "Before… before it all… we were getting… it was… I thought we were getting to the point where…"

As the countdown to midnight began, Tony's eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly in shock. He looked gobsmacked, and Steve had the sudden thought that maybe he wasn't alone in his feelings. Maybe he wasn't the only one that missed what he'd almost had before it all went to shit.

Gathering his courage, Steve leant forward and pressed their lips together as a cheer sounded from the party behind them. He ignored them, focusing instead on the feel of Tony's lips against his own, on the feel of Tony's beard rubbing his cheek, and Tony's hand which had reached up to grip tightly onto Steve's shirt.

When he pulled away, Tony opened his eyes to meet Steve's, a slightly dazed expression on his face.

"I… I didn't know," he whispered. "I'm _sorry_ , Steve. I didn't know."

"It's okay," Steve whispered. "It's okay, Tony. You know now."

"Kiss me," Tony pleaded almost silently. "Kiss me when it's not midnight, so I know it's not something that's going to be ripped away."

Steve had never been so happy to submit to Tony than he was in that moment. He wanted to submerge himself in the smell and feel of Tony and never emerge again.

…

Tony woke slowly, warm and comfortable. When he opened his eyes, it was to find Steve already awake and watching him with fondness and affection.

"Happy New Year, sweetheart," Steve murmured.

Tony smiled. "Happy New Year, Steve."

* * *

 **Written for;**

Assorted Appreciation, 1. Kissing someone at midnight on NYE

Disney - D1. "The world is cruel."

Book Club - Yoshimine - Barbarian / orange / apathy

Showtime - 3. Fight

Attic - 10. Caring for someone after an injury

Liza Loves - 13. Character tending to another's wounds.

Arcade - Soundtrack 5. Gaining courage for something

Lowdown - C8. Theme; Regret

Bex's Basement - 1. Whoever said it's impossible to miss what you never had, never almost had you.

Film Festival - 18. "I didn't know."

Days of the year - 10. Kissing at midnight on NYE

Winter - Wintry

Colour - Tea Green

Element - Submerge

365 - 8. Moment

1000\. 35. Gobsmacked


End file.
